Ok, today's entry isn't so much of a post as it is a fabulous list of sexual things you can do at home with your own partner. Now, I'm not advocating any of these things, nor will I be responsible for the consequenses. I merely present these things for your own enjoyment at your discretion... So here is Part 1 of a 2-part series Which I am entitling "The Peppermint Swirl and Other Perversions.
1) The Dirty Sanchez: When you're going at it doggy-style and just as you're about to spill your load, you plunge a finger into her poop shoot and reach around to her upper lip, where you proceed to paint on "The Dirty Sanchez."
Slimy Snatchita: (aka Dirty Juanita)It*s basically the same concept as the Dirty Sanchez. Instead of shit, get your finger all bloody and she won't know anything is wrong until the morning when she awakes with a crusty dry-blood moustache.
Dirty Schultz: Same as Dirty Sanchez, except you give yourself the shitstache.
2) The Wet Burrito: Similar to the Dirty Sanchez, only performed with your own ball sweat..
3) The Code of Silence: Anytime you fuck a girl that's so dirty or ugly that you rip off the used condom, gag her with it, and tell her that you'll kill her if she tells a soul what just happened between the two of you.
To read the next 99, click the "read more" link below...
...and post your comments DAMNIT!
4) The Coyote: When you wake up the morning after sex with an absolute beast to find that she's sleeping on your arm and rather than have to talk to her or, god forbid, touch her again, you gnaw your own arm off and leave it there.
5) The Purple Mushroom: When your receiving a little oral pleasure from a girl and just before you shoot your load, you whip it out of her mouth and try to impale her cheek. The impression it leaves resembles a purple mushroom.
6) The Divot: A must for golfers! When you've got your hand below the belt on some girl with a fair amount of bush, you grab on to as much of it as you can, scream "Fore!" and rip every last pube out of her.
7) The Bronco: When you're taking a girl doggy-style and just at the moment of climax you reach around, grab her tits as tightly as you can, scream out another girl's name, and enjoy the sensation as she tries to buck you off.
8) The Rodeo: A variation of the Bronco where a bunch of your closest friends are hidden in a bedroom closet prior to the sexual encounter. At some type of a prompt, they all run out with a video camera and you try and see how long you can stay on as she tries to get away.
9) The Pearl Necklace: When you are enjoying a fine blowjob or titty-fucking session and you happen to leave a line of droplets resembling a string of pearls around her neck.
10) The New York Style Taco: Any time that you are so drunk that you go down on a girl and puke in her box.
11) The Stinky Pinky: When you're going at it from the back and you insert a pinky finger in along side your member, reach around front, and plunge it so far into her nostril that it tilts her head back.
12) The Gobstopper: When you're receiving a hand job and just as you're about to come, the girl decides to squeeze your unit with all of her might and cap you off with her thumb.
13) The Stranger: When the tedium of your nightly jerk off becomes too much so you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, giving the sensation of someone else doing it.
14) The Donkey Punch: When you're attacking a girl from the back and at the moment of climax you pull out, plunge it into her cornhole, let out a mighty "Hee Haw!" and punch her in the back of the head. Note: In order to fully enjoy the Donkey Punch, you must knock her out as this results in a tightening of the asshole.
15) The Hot Lunch (aka Cleveland Steamer, aka Hot Carl): When you're receiving a blow job from a position where you're crouched over her face on all fours and you drop a monster shit right onto her chest.
16) The Chili Dog: A variation of above where you proceed to titty-fuck her afterwards.
17) The Shocker: When you're fingering a girl and decide to give her a surprise so you insert a digit or two into her asshole.
18) The Beetle Clip: You insert your thumb into the snatch and forefinger into the poopshoot and try your damndest to make them touch each other.
19) The Six Pack: When performing the above and you attempt to carry the girl around (similar to the way you would a six pack).
20) The Golden Shower (aka Watersports): Any shape or form of urinating on or in a girl.
21) The Bismarck: When you've got your dick buried to the hilt in some girl's throat and you pull out to sign her face, then belt her, and smear the blood and come together.
22) Tossing Salad (aka Rim Job): A common prison practice that could also be termed "eating asshole."
23) The Cave: When you blow your load into a girl's mouth and proceed to kick her teeth in, making her mouth look like a cave.
24) The Bullwinkle: When you're entering your partner from the rear and you reach up front, wrench her nipples as hard as you can, put your hands up to the sides of your head like antlers, and wiggle your fingers and stick out your tongue while emitting a high pitched turkey gobble.
25) Felching: A homosexual activity in which one fag fucks another and proceeds to suck his own splooge out of his partner's asshole with a straw. This one's not even popular in prison.
26) The Dog in the Bathtub: The name given to attempting to drop your nuts into a girl's asshole. Aptly named as it's about the only thing harder than getting a dog into a bathtub.
27) The Dolphin: When you're giving it to a girl from behind and you pull out to stuff it in her butt when she turns her head around and whimpers, "Uh Uh, Uh Uh," sounding exactly like a dolphin.
28) The V-Plow: When you're muff diving and in order to look up at the girl you drag your whole face through here snatch, nose proudly leading the way, parting that nasty labia.
29) The Crimson Tide: When you're going down on some girl and, to your surprise, the lunar alignment dictates that her monthly flow has just to begun.
30) The Free Willy: When you've worked up such a throbber that when some girl unzips your pants to give you a hummer, you spring forth and poke her eye out harpoon style.
31) The Mudslide: After convincing some girl to give you a little ass munching action, you proceed to unleash a massive flow of diarrhea and sit there and laugh as it runs down her face and body.
32) The Fortune Cookie: After you're done banging some chick, you slip the condom off as you pull out, leaving it in there for the next customer.
33) The Eiffel Tower: When you and a friend decide to work a girl over together. You get her down on all fours with one of you in her mouth and the other going at it doggy style. From this position you give one another a mighty, two-handed high five, making the entire structure resemble theEiffel tower.
34) The Angry Dragon: On the first round of the night, work up an extremely large load during a blow job. Just before you're about to explode, grab the back of her head and ram your unit as far down her throat as possible, causing her to gag on your pint of fluid. The result? She spews it out of her nose, making her resemble an angry dragon.
35) The Flying Camel: A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a camel in distress. Strictly a class move.
36) The Fishhook: A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.
37) The Ram: Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall against her head should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
38) The Fountain of You: While sitting on her face and having her eat your asshole, jerk off like a madman, build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, and spew like a geyser all over her neck, tits, and stomach (Better in her bed).
39) The Pink Glove: This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. This is referred to as the pink glove.
40) The Fish Eye: Fucking her from behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison) whereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell is going on back there.
41) The Fur Ball: You're chomping away at some trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.
42) Tea Bagging: When she takes your whole scrotum into her mouth and holds it there like a tea bag in a cup of hot water.
43) The Hummer: While sucking on your rod, she emits a low humming noise. The vibrations from her throat make it all too easy to bring her concert to a quick end.
44) Snow Balling: Occurs when some chick takes your load in her mouth and has the audacity come up and kiss you while it's still in there.
45) The Camel Clutch: When she's lying on her stomach with you giving itto her from behind and you decide to emulate the Iron Sheik through his signature move, grabbing her underneath the chin and pulling straight back with both hands.
46) The Rumpledforeskin: When some girl makes you stop fucking her because she somehow realizes that you don't remember her name, causing you to go limp (like the fairy tale).
47) The Skull Fuck: The act of removing a person's eye (unless you really luck out and find someone who's already lost one) and fucking the gaping whole left in its place.
48) One in the Fridge, One in the Freezer: Another one that requires a partner, this simply refers to you and a buddy putting one in her pussy and another in her butt, and simultaneously trying to reach her uterus and large intestine.
49) The Repunzel: When no amount of suggestion, persuasion, or begging will get a girl to go down on you and you're forced to resort to simply pulling her head down there by the hair.
50) The Boston Cooler: Any form of oral stimulation in which you cleverly conceal ice cubes in you mouth to surprise your partner. and*...
51) The Triple Crown: Any three of the above events performed upon the same person.
52) The Hat Trick: Any three of the above events performed over the course of a single evening.