Friday, February 26, 2010

That Little Voice...

While I am very excited about the upcoming move, I have to confess I also have a few moments of panic. It has nothing to do with whether or not I think I could be compatible with Sean or not. It's larger than that, really.

I had sort of a "moment of clarity" today when I realized what I think is the root of some of the issues in our relationship I've had in the past, things that went unnamed because I couldn't wrap my mind around what the root problem was. I really do think, now, that it's about commitment. Or rather, being able to do the things I want in life.

Do you ever have that little voice in your head that says "Run!" ?

I get that sometimes. This is nothing against Sean at all. He really is the most amazing man I've ever found. But, I feel like my "window of opportunity" is drawing to a close - my twenties are almost over. The further you go along the harder it is to change any course. I do not want to be in the same place doing the same things two, five, ten years from now. Wondering where those years went, much as I do now having lived in DC for a decade.

I've learned how easy it is to let years pass under the bridge... putting things off, putting dreams on the shelf. I don't want to do that. And sometimes I think it's even easier to fall into that hypnosis of mundane life when you tie yourself with another person.

Some days I want to run, I want to move far away and start fresh. And I think it's perfectly human to feel that way. I think a lot of us have these feelings in our relationships, even if we bury them somewhere dark and secret.

When you ask me tomorrow I may feel completely different. My blog can be silly sometimes, but I also come here to work out issues (albeit in a rather public forum). But I have to be honest with how I feel, and it helps to get it out on words...

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