Wednesday, December 08, 2004

A Long December...

I can’t believe I’m even titling this post “A Long December,” considering that I’m only 5 days into the Holiday month.
And I’m hating it already. It’s been a bad week.
God, I don’t even want to start, but let’s just say the stars haven’t exactly been kind to me. Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything that can go wrong does? Well it’s been a shitty week and I don’t know of things are getting better or not. But man I HATE DECEMBER! Die holidays die!
Like today, for example, I went and visited the most tackily decorated house in all of Northern Virginia, just for kicks. The place is covered in Christmas lights, glowing manger scenes, etc. So much so it’s been covered in the newspapers pretty much every year around this time. If you want directions, e-mail me. In the meantime, visit this website to see more terribly decorated homes. And I ask myself, what IS it about December that inspires such stupidity in people.
Ok, I have to confess. I have been forcibly trying to induce some Yuletide spirit into my life.
My friend Kurt has been kind enough to chauffeur me around this weekend and we did a little Christmas shopping. I’m glad I was able to get a start, but I still have some people left that I am really not sure what to get. I’m really trying to be a good gift-giver this year, since I’ve been pretty unoriginal in the past. And tonight while watching “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” I started the tedious job of filling out holiday cards to mail to people. Only got halfway done before I gave up for the night…too many cards, too much envelope glue on my tongue. But the whole thing kinda got me in the mood.
Deck the Halls
You are 'Deck the Halls'! Let's be honest, it
isn't Christmas you are celebrating, is it? In
fact, you know full well that there were no
shepherds in the fields in December, and that
the date of Christmas was put at midwinter
specifically to coincide with the older
celebrations of Yule and the birth of Mithras.
An unashamed Pagan, you take great glee in the
number of carols referring to holly, evergreens
and Winter's end, and will sing them with
gusto. You know where they really came from.
And you do enjoy the seasonal celebrations,
regardless of their name... A merry Yule to

What Christmas Carol are you?
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Bitching about the year:
Now that December is here, I can start to reflect on 2004 as a whole. I’m not trying to be a pessimist (I’ve had really good years), but this year as a whole has pretty much sucked ass. Let’s review:
I entered into 2004 at a sucky party in Columbia Heights (won’t mention any names, but it was someone’s apartment near 14th street), in a really shitty situation. I was still living with Hitler, er, I mean my ex (again, I’ll refrain from using names). The low-life scumbag asshole ugly lying motherfucker was cheating on me with some equally low-life busted-looking bucktoothed redneck. He had, I came to realize, used me. Plain and simply used me. He ruined that entire Christmas and New Years. I can honestly say that was one of the worst times in my life. Thank-you Casey. Woops, said I wouldn’t mention any names but I did. Asshole. I hope this Christmas is as bad for you as mine was for me last year. (And perhaps the reader is beginning to understand part of why I hate Christmas)
After dealing with him (and I’m STILL dealing with him as he owes me money and keeps telling me he loves me even though he has a new boyfriend and won’t leave me the hell alone and stop lying all the time) I did start dating other guys, NICE guys, and that was one bright point to this year.
Nothing quite worked out the way I wanted it to this year. I spent the better part of the summer unemployed yet searching for a job. I did have fun with my friends a lot this summer (going to the clubs, a trip to Rehoboth) but I also always had to watch my money and worry about getting a job. Fall came, wasn’t able to go to grad school as I’d planned even though I did get accepted into George Washington and American University. Long story short, I fucked up my financial aid shit because I didn’t know what I was doing, my parents weren’t being much help at all, and neither was my ex about paying what he owes me on time. I did get a job, so that’s good. I work, I party, but all in all it’s been a pretty blah year. One final highlight, however, was meeting PJ this fall and getting to meet him last month. I have to admit to being more than a little commitment-phobic, given my last experiences. I mean, I think it’s great having a guy in your life. Relationships, especially at the beginning “getting to know you” stage can be really fun. But sometimes I feel like what’s the point of putting all that energy into a relationship when you get shat on by the other person in the end? Well, one thing I have learned is not to be loving to the point of stupidity like I was with Casey. I.e., never “help” your lover out financially, not matter what! You will wind up sorry for it in the long run. Never go along with what your lover wants to do, because you will feel bad about all the time you wasted. My ex was a stay-at-home person; at least he never would go out with me. Not to clubs, not to bars, not to restaurants, nothing (except maybe Soho, and he’d usually either ignore me or go off with someone else like he did that one time with Anthony). He made me feel bad for wanting to be with my much-more-exciting friends. I hate to think about what I missed out on because of him. I also learned not to trust someone too much, because you set yourself up. All the times Casey lied to me, and I pretty much let him. I let him walk all over me like a doormat. He fucked around behind my back, and how pathetic is it that I actually tried to “make it work” rather than just leave his no-good ass and walk away with some dignity. He was one of the most self-absorbed, narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative individuals I have ever met, and for some reason I loved him. Well, at first I loved him. In retrospect, my love sort of faded and transformed into something else. Whatever it was, it wasn’t love.
Alright, now it seems I’ve gotten off on a tangent about the ex, but this really feels therapeutic to get all the anger off my chest. I would tell my ex to his face, but he never really listens. Narcissistic people tend not to. I could create a whole blog about my experiences in that disastrous relationship. But I had to get these things off my chest because they are part of what is making this December so shitty for me. A year has passed, and yet the ghosts of the past are still very much alive.
Yet, I have found someone that interests me, that I can tell is a NICE guy. I have all of my friends that stuck by me this year through all the drama. So maybe everything will be all right after all.
“It’s been a long December, and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. Can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold onto these moments as they pass…”
–“Long December” by the Counting Crows.

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